It's been a while since I had time to update as I was away this weekend for my grandmother's funeral. She passed away on Feb 8th, but we were unable to bury her at that time due to the ground being frozen. I miss her more than I can express in words, but it's comforting that she's resting peacefully next to my grandfather who she was faithfully devoted to for their entire marriage.
My baseline ultrasound went smoothly on Thursday. Everything looked ok for me to start taking the Letrozole/Femara. I am now done 5 days of that and I can't express enough relief that it is done! I was not expecting to have any side effects since Clomid was a breeze for me, but that was far from the case. The first two days I had a forehead splitting headache, that resolved on the next three days if I took a Tylenol with the pill but I had SEVERE vomiting and GI upset at night on the other days. It was extremely unpleasant being woken up from a sleep with a horribly upset stomach.
So I am now on (adjusted for meds) cycle day 7. Most people ovulate somewhere around cycle day 11-17ish while on Femara/Letrozole. I go in for another ultrasound on Saturday to see if it made anything happen. REALLY hoping it woke up my ovaries!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Uncertainty
I went to an infertility forum tonight in my town. There were 7 local western medicine professionals that gave a short presentation each and then afterward some local alternative medicine professional gave complimentary sessions. Some of it was redundant for me (get an Hsg, yup done, get a semen analysis, yup done, take omega 3, yup etc) but parts of it were helpful.
One thing was that it made me realize that I probably should get involved with my local resolve chapter. It was nice to see so many other couples there, and know that I was not alone. I found myself wanting to ask them questions and talk to them, but I was too shy and it's too personal a subject. I think it would be helpful for me to have a place where I can meet other women and talk about what we are all going through. For a while I thought I hadn't been TTC long enough, but I am past that point now of being judged as not "infertile enough" for a group like that.
A reproductive endocrinologist was there and he spoke up and for a couple minutes talked about how one of the major sources of stress for couples who are struggling with infertility is the uncertainty that accompanies it and I couldn't agree more with that. When you first start TTC you are uncertain if you have a problem, then you are uncertain what the problem is, then uncertain if one treatment will work, uncertain if you are ever going to become a parent.
He went on to talk about how people can deal with uncertainty for a short amount of time (like here in New England when they were searching for a bombing suspect loose in a nearby town) but people can only take so much of it.
This really resonated with me, I feel so uncertain all the time and like all these circumstances are beyond my control. I don't know how many interventions I am going to have to do or if any of them will work and that is what makes this so hard. It's nice to know that I am not the only one who feels that way.
One thing was that it made me realize that I probably should get involved with my local resolve chapter. It was nice to see so many other couples there, and know that I was not alone. I found myself wanting to ask them questions and talk to them, but I was too shy and it's too personal a subject. I think it would be helpful for me to have a place where I can meet other women and talk about what we are all going through. For a while I thought I hadn't been TTC long enough, but I am past that point now of being judged as not "infertile enough" for a group like that.
A reproductive endocrinologist was there and he spoke up and for a couple minutes talked about how one of the major sources of stress for couples who are struggling with infertility is the uncertainty that accompanies it and I couldn't agree more with that. When you first start TTC you are uncertain if you have a problem, then you are uncertain what the problem is, then uncertain if one treatment will work, uncertain if you are ever going to become a parent.
He went on to talk about how people can deal with uncertainty for a short amount of time (like here in New England when they were searching for a bombing suspect loose in a nearby town) but people can only take so much of it.
This really resonated with me, I feel so uncertain all the time and like all these circumstances are beyond my control. I don't know how many interventions I am going to have to do or if any of them will work and that is what makes this so hard. It's nice to know that I am not the only one who feels that way.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Exhaustion
Through an unfortunate set of complicated circumstances I am currently on a stretch of working 9 days in a row without a day off. It's compounded by the fact that I am just finishing my transition back to work after my hand injury. I am exhausted beyond words and my hand hurts like hell.
What is keeping me going is knowing that Thursday is my baseline ultrasound to start our fertility cycle which I am BEYOND excited about. I will update after that.
What is keeping me going is knowing that Thursday is my baseline ultrasound to start our fertility cycle which I am BEYOND excited about. I will update after that.
Monday, April 22, 2013
How to behave around your infertile friend when you're pregnant
Yesterday I talked about some pointers for acting around your friend who has infertility, today I'd like to focus on how to act when you are pregnant yourself.
Expect that your friend with infertility may distance a little from you. She's probably trying to be happy for you, but watching your body change and seeing you reminds her of what she can't have. It's ok to still reach out and call your friend or see if they want to make plans, but if she doesn't call back as often know that it's probably a protective mechanism for her. She's not mad at you and she still likes you, she is just really jealous.
Please don't complain about your pregnancy symptoms. Your infertile friend is not going to feel sorry for you, and your complaining makes you sound ungrateful. That said, if your friend asks how you are doing, be honest and tell her. Just don't rub all your pregnancy symptoms in her face.
When you announce your pregnancy, please be respectful. Please don't do it in a huge group with a lot of excitement. I still burst into tears when I find out someone is pregnant, and I don't want to do that in public. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for you, really I am, it just brings up a lot of emotions for me that I would rather a big group of people not witness. Personally, I would rather be told in a text message or email so that I can have some time to process before I react, but I am sure that is different for everyone. However you do it, just please don't make a big silly show of it.
Other than that, just be yourself. Don't be scared of being around your friend. We still like each other, and have all the reasons we became friends in the first place. I am sure that we still have a lot of common interests that we share.
I think Garfunkel and Oates sum it up nicely (warning, gets a little weird at the end)
Expect that your friend with infertility may distance a little from you. She's probably trying to be happy for you, but watching your body change and seeing you reminds her of what she can't have. It's ok to still reach out and call your friend or see if they want to make plans, but if she doesn't call back as often know that it's probably a protective mechanism for her. She's not mad at you and she still likes you, she is just really jealous.
Please don't complain about your pregnancy symptoms. Your infertile friend is not going to feel sorry for you, and your complaining makes you sound ungrateful. That said, if your friend asks how you are doing, be honest and tell her. Just don't rub all your pregnancy symptoms in her face.
When you announce your pregnancy, please be respectful. Please don't do it in a huge group with a lot of excitement. I still burst into tears when I find out someone is pregnant, and I don't want to do that in public. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for you, really I am, it just brings up a lot of emotions for me that I would rather a big group of people not witness. Personally, I would rather be told in a text message or email so that I can have some time to process before I react, but I am sure that is different for everyone. However you do it, just please don't make a big silly show of it.
Other than that, just be yourself. Don't be scared of being around your friend. We still like each other, and have all the reasons we became friends in the first place. I am sure that we still have a lot of common interests that we share.
I think Garfunkel and Oates sum it up nicely (warning, gets a little weird at the end)
Sunday, April 21, 2013
How to behave around your infertile friend
I realize as I write this that really all I am saying is how I prefer people to act around me, but it may be different for everyone. The words that make me want to punch you in the face, may give someone else comfort, but I think a lot of people who struggle with infertility have similar triggers.
Please don't:
- Make jokes about your own super human fertility powers
- Offer insight on how tiring motherhood is, or offer to give away your children. We all know that you love your children and think they are worth the work, don't imply that someone might not be up to the task.
- Say cliche's about how everything happens for a reason or children come when they are ready. I have a medical problem where I don't ovulate. Children will happen when we can figure out how to make my ovaries work. Just like cancer is (hopefully) cured when they resect a tumor or figure out the right dose of drugs for you.
- Tell me to relax. Or tell me about how Monica from Friends got pregnant after she decided to adopt. Everyone has a story about someone who stopped trying and got pregnant. Here's the thing about that; almost no one is completely infertile unless they have no uterus and their partner has zero sperm. Most of us are actually subfertile, and spontaneous pregnancy is possible but does not occur within a reasonable time frame naturally. Most of those women who got pregnant naturally did so after many many years of trying. Don't minimize their struggle by saying they were too stressed and that was why they didn't get pregnant. I feel shitty enough about the fact that I can't get pregnant, and yes that leads to stress, I don't need further stress by you telling me it's all my fault.
Please do:
- Listen when someone with infertility is sharing their story with you. It's a deeply painful and personal thing they are describing, and listening is a way of showing respect.
- Be willing to tolerate a little extra bit of crazy. This whole thing is really hard and leads to a lot of stress and the fertility meds can make you wacky.
Please don't:
- Make jokes about your own super human fertility powers
- Offer insight on how tiring motherhood is, or offer to give away your children. We all know that you love your children and think they are worth the work, don't imply that someone might not be up to the task.
- Say cliche's about how everything happens for a reason or children come when they are ready. I have a medical problem where I don't ovulate. Children will happen when we can figure out how to make my ovaries work. Just like cancer is (hopefully) cured when they resect a tumor or figure out the right dose of drugs for you.
- Tell me to relax. Or tell me about how Monica from Friends got pregnant after she decided to adopt. Everyone has a story about someone who stopped trying and got pregnant. Here's the thing about that; almost no one is completely infertile unless they have no uterus and their partner has zero sperm. Most of us are actually subfertile, and spontaneous pregnancy is possible but does not occur within a reasonable time frame naturally. Most of those women who got pregnant naturally did so after many many years of trying. Don't minimize their struggle by saying they were too stressed and that was why they didn't get pregnant. I feel shitty enough about the fact that I can't get pregnant, and yes that leads to stress, I don't need further stress by you telling me it's all my fault.
Please do:
- Listen when someone with infertility is sharing their story with you. It's a deeply painful and personal thing they are describing, and listening is a way of showing respect.
- Be willing to tolerate a little extra bit of crazy. This whole thing is really hard and leads to a lot of stress and the fertility meds can make you wacky.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Shellseeker
I cast on for the Shellseeker sweater about a week ago. It's a top down raglan pullover with a neat little pocket detail. I am usually way more of a cardigan girl, but I have been having a hankering lately for a cozy pullover. I am using Cascade 220 that I bought last year at Webs on my way to Rhinebeck.
My grandmother died this winter, and one of the things I inherited from her was her knitting supplies including the basket that you see in the above photo. I miss her so much every day. But when I am with her knitting tools and supplies and books, I really feel like she is there with me, helping me pick a pattern or reminding me about gauge. It's amazing to me how the things we touch and use and value everyday become such a part of us. I think she would have liked the sweater I am making right now. She might have even asked me for the pattern, and that makes me smile and feel like she is still with me.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Chomping at the bit
Two weeks tomorrow I go in for my baseline ultrasound. As long as my lining isn't too thick we will count that day as cycle day 3 and start taking fertility medication. Why call it cycle day 3? Historically doctors would wait for you to have a menstrual cycle and then start you on fertility medication on either cycle day 3 or 5 depending on their preference (cycle day is the first day of your period). Calling it cycle day 3 makes is easier math-wise to date everything else.
For women who don't ovulate like me, and therefore get cycles very rarely a lot of doctors will induce a period using progesterone before starting medication, however my doctor says that is not needed as long as your lining is not prohibitively thick. It's a bit controversial, but I am trusting my doc on this one.
If my lining is too thick then I will need to induce a period, that usually takes about a week or so. I don't mind it too much, expect taking the progesterone makes me really sleepy and feel icky. I guess I shouldn't complain though, if I ever get pregnant that is probably what I will feel like all the time since pregnancy causes a huge increase in progesterone.
I wish wish wish that I could start right away! Mr. Chickadee and I had to put a hault on this whole thing in early January when we decided that I was going to have hand surgery because I needed to wait until I would be eligible for an FMLA again by my due date. As it is we are cutting it a little close in case I do get pregnant and have to go out early... but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
In the meantime I am nearly constantly consumed with thoughts of what if. What if it works, what if it doesn't, what is NOTHING works, what if we are bankrupted by trying only to end up bitter and childless forever, what if it works and then I miscarry (which is fairly likely with PCOS compared with other women), what if it works and I get preclampsia and have to go out of work when I am 5 months pregnant and I lose my job and then we lose our house and then I get deported back to Canada. Yup... reasonable concerns.
For women who don't ovulate like me, and therefore get cycles very rarely a lot of doctors will induce a period using progesterone before starting medication, however my doctor says that is not needed as long as your lining is not prohibitively thick. It's a bit controversial, but I am trusting my doc on this one.
If my lining is too thick then I will need to induce a period, that usually takes about a week or so. I don't mind it too much, expect taking the progesterone makes me really sleepy and feel icky. I guess I shouldn't complain though, if I ever get pregnant that is probably what I will feel like all the time since pregnancy causes a huge increase in progesterone.
I wish wish wish that I could start right away! Mr. Chickadee and I had to put a hault on this whole thing in early January when we decided that I was going to have hand surgery because I needed to wait until I would be eligible for an FMLA again by my due date. As it is we are cutting it a little close in case I do get pregnant and have to go out early... but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
In the meantime I am nearly constantly consumed with thoughts of what if. What if it works, what if it doesn't, what is NOTHING works, what if we are bankrupted by trying only to end up bitter and childless forever, what if it works and then I miscarry (which is fairly likely with PCOS compared with other women), what if it works and I get preclampsia and have to go out of work when I am 5 months pregnant and I lose my job and then we lose our house and then I get deported back to Canada. Yup... reasonable concerns.
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